LGBT Campus Center ~ UW-Madison

Coming Out

What is coming out?
What are the stages of the coming out process?
Why come out? What are the benefits? What are the Risks?
Coming out issues and concerns
What should I consider before I decide to come out?
What should I do if someone comes out to me?
What resources are available to me at UW-Madison for coming out?
Glossary of LGBT-related terms (HRC)
Bibliography of sources used in the Q & A

What is coming out?

Coming out is a personal journey. It happens over and over again as we move to new places, get new jobs and meet new people. It is a gradual process of recognizing, accepting and sharing our sexual identity with others. Coming out marks the rite of passage to a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender identity.

Coming out is a never ending process, because most people in our society assume people are heterosexual. LGBT individuals must continually decide in what situations and with whom they want to correct that assumption by disclosing their sexual orientation. In every new situation, with every new person they meet, they must decide whether or not to come out.

The coming out process has many stages and is different for each person. Generally, coming out begins by coming out to oneself. This stage may be frightening and depressing, because LGBT individuals have learned the same societal norms and negative stereotypes about homosexuality. The next step in the coming out process may be to come out to a close friend or family member. Coming out to other family members and friends is the following step. Coming out involves confronting the constant assumption that one is heterosexual as well as confronting homophobic attitudes and discriminatory practices. Coming out may be a long and difficult struggle.

Coming out can be a very freeing experience, because it allows LGBT individuals to live a more open and honest life and develop more genuine relationships with others. Weighing the advantages and disadvantages of coming out is a part of the coming out process.

There are several levels of being out, ranging from completely closeted to being publicly out. LGBT individuals may be out in some situations or to some people, and closeted in others. Deciding how out to be is also a part of the coming out process. There are different degrees to which a person may be out: Closeted (I don't want you to know), Passing (I assume you don't know), Covering (I don't want you to know), Implicitly Out (I'm gay. See it if you can) Explicitly Out (I'm telling you I am gay), Publicly Out (See me as gay).

What are the stages of the coming out process?

Coming out is not a single event, it is a life-long process. This process can begin at any age, has many stages, and is different for each person. In general, coming out begins with coming out to oneself. Later stages may include coming out to friends, family and others.

Moving Toward a Recognition and Acceptance of One's Own LGBT Identity
... involves becoming consciously aware of one's feelings for and attractions to people of the same sex, or to people of both sexes if one is bisexual. Accepting those feelings and attractions may involve "un-learning" myths, misinformation, and stereotypes, grieving for the loss of a heterosexual identity, working through one's fears about how others may react to their sexual orientation and fears about the possibility of rejection by family or friends. Developing a positive self-image is a crucial part of the coming out process.

Coming Out to and Gaining Support from Other LGBT people
As individuals "un-learn" the myths and stereotypes about LGBT people, they may experience a need to replace that information with more accurate and positive information, and may seek out other LGBT people who can share their experiences with them. As individuals let go of their heterosexual identity, they may experience a sense of isolation from the heterosexual world and may seek out people who are LGBT in order to develop a new sense of community or belonging.

LGBT people are often perceived as the safest people to come out to, since they are not likely to react with prejudice or negativity. Often, individuals in the coming out process join LGBT organizations, visit a gay or lesbian bar, participate in a counseling support group for people who are coming out, visit LGBT websites and online communities and read LGBT books, newspapers and magazines. This may help feel more comfortable with and established in their LGBT identity.

As individuals feel more comfortable with their LGBT identity, they may begin to come out to heterosexual friends, family members, or coworkers. They may begin with dropping hints to "test the waters" for possible reactions. This may make coming out less unexpected. Positive reactions to coming out tend to build confidence in one's identity, while negative reactions may slow down the coming out process.

Why come out? What are the benefits? What are the Risks?

Coming out can be a freeing experience, an opportunity to live honestly and openly and develop stronger relationships. It can also be frightening and intimidating.

Some Benefits of Coming Out

Live life honestly.
Build self-esteem through honesty about oneself.
Develop closer, more genuine relationships with friends and family.
Reduce stress caused by hiding one's identity.
Connect with other people who are LGBT.
Become part of the LGBT community.
Help dispel myths and stereotypes through talking about one's own experience and educating others.
Be a role model for others.

Some Risks of Coming Out

Not everyone will be understanding or accepting.
Family, friends, or coworkers may be shocked, confused, or even hostile.
Some relationships might permanently change.
An individual may experience harassment or discrimination. (Discrimination based on sexual orientation is still legal in the majority of the United States. In most cases, there is no legal protection for people who are LGBT. They may be fired from their jobs, denied housing, or denied insurance.)
People under the age of 18 may be thrown out of their homes or lose financial support from their parents.

Coming out issues and concerns

Coming Out (revealing one's sexual orientation or gender identity) can be overwhelming in any given situation. There is always a risk that the person one chooses to tell may react negatively. The list below was adapted from "Coming Out," by Vernon Wall and Jamie Washington, 1989 and describes some of the concerns LGBT individuals may have when coming out.

What Might People who are LGBT be Afraid of When They Come Out?

Rejection (loss of relationships with friends or family)
Gossip
Harassment or abuse
Being thrown out of the family
Being thrown out of the house
Discrimination
Being seen as sick, immoral, or perverted
Loss of financial support
Not being accepted in their religious community
Losing their job
Having their professional credibility questioned or undermined
Physical violence

How Might People who are LGBT Feel About Coming Out to Someone?

Scared
Vulnerable
Unsure (wondering how the person will react)
Relieved
Proud

What Might People Who are LGBT Want from the People to Whom They Come Out?

Acceptance
Support
Understanding
Comfort
Reassurance that their relationship won't be negatively affected
Closer relationship
Acknowledgement of their feelings
Love

What should I consider before I decide to come out?

The coming out process is different for each individual and in each situation. Before deciding to come out, it could be helpful to evaluate these suggestions as they fit with one's personal situation and needs. Heterosexual allies can assist friends who are LGBT by helping them consider these issues in their process of deciding whether or not to come out.

Are you sure about your sexual orientation? "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase others' confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.
Are you comfortable with your sexual identity? Be clear about your own feelings about being lesbian, gay, or bisexual or transgender. If you're wrestling with guilt or depression, get help in getting over that before coming out to non-gay people. Coming out can require a lot of energy and a reserve of positive self-image. If you are comfortable with your identity, those to whom you come out will often sense that, and have an easier time accepting your disclosure.
Do you have support? In the event you get a negative reaction, there should be someone or a group that you can turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Are you well informed about LGBT issues? The reactions of others will most likely be based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be prepared to answer their concerns and questions with reliable and accurate information. Know some books that you can share with others who might want to know more or have a contact name for a P-FLAG chapter.
Is this a good time? Timing can be very important. Be aware of the mood, priorities, stresses, and problems of those with whom you would like to share your identity. Choose a time when they're not dealing with major life concerns. What people are dealing with in their own lives may affect their receptivity to your news.
Can you be patient? Others will require time to deal with this new information. Remember that it took many of us a very long time to come to terms with our sexuality. When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend what they learned. Don't expect immediate acceptance, but try instead to establish an on-going, caring dialogue.
What's your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you care about the people you intend to come out to, and you are uncomfortable with the distance you feel between you and them. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon. Have you tried to anticipate others' reactions? Consider your general relationship with those to whom you intend to come out. What might their concerns be? How can you address those concerns? What message do you want to send? For example, try to affirm mutual caring and love before disclosing your news. Emphasize that you are still the same person. (An excellent book to help you consider these questions is Coming Out: An Act of Love by Rob Eichberg.)
Have you thought about how you will respond to negative reactions? Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger, or upset others at first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try to let others be honest about their initial feelings, even if they are negative. Remember that the initial reaction may not be the long-term one. Keep the lines of communication open with people to whom you come out. Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of re-examining the myths and stereotypes which we all have been exposed to. If you are rejected by someone, do not lose sight of your own self-worth. Remember that your coming out was a gift of sharing an important part of yourself which that person has chosen to reject.
Is this your decision? Remember that the decision to come out is yours and you can decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out. Don't be guilt tripped or pressured into it before you're ready. Coming out decisions must be made carefully, and only you can weigh the potential benefits and the potential consequences.

Coming out is an on-going process, not a single event. All people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual have to make decisions about when and to whom to come out almost every day. Remember that you have the right to ask anyone to whom you come out not to share your disclosure with others. You may want to role-play and practice before you tell someone. Although coming out gets a little easier the more you do it, it's important that your words and thoughts be well chosen. Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from it, because there will always be a next time.

Adapted from "Coming Out to Your Parents" published by Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays and from "About Coming Out" published by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force

What should I do if someone comes out to me?

Most people in our society have been taught to fear, despise, or hate people who are LGBT. We have all been exposed to a vast amount of negative, derogatory, and inaccurate information about LGBT people. When someone comes out to you, they share the information about their sexual orientation or gender identity with a keen awareness of the risks involved: the risk of losing their relationship with you, the risk of being rejected, the risk of being misunderstood, and many other risks. Unless you have given some indication of your feelings or beliefs about sexual orientation, they may have no way of knowing in advance whether your reaction will be positive or negative. There are a variety of contexts in which someone might decide to come out to you.

They may have chosen to come out to you because you are a close friend or family member, and they want to have an honest and genuine relationship with you.
They may feel you are a person who will be understanding and accepting, and so trust you with this very personal information.
They may not be sure how you will react, but they prefer to be honest and are tired of putting time and energy into hiding their identity.
They may decide to come out to you before they really know you, in order to establish an honest relationship from the beginning.
They may come out to you because some aspect of your professional relationship makes it difficult to continue to hide their sexual orientation.
They may come out to you because you are in a position to assist them with a concern, determine their access to certain resources, or address policies which impact their life.

When someone comes out to you, the news may come as a total surprise, you may have already considered the possibility that this person might be LGBT, or it may not be important to you one way or the other.

How might you feel after someone comes out to you?

Scared
Wondering why the person came out
Shocked
Supportive
Disbelieving
Flattered
Uncomfortable
Honored
Not sure what to say
Angry
Not sure what to do next
Disgusted

The way in which a person who is LGBT chooses to come out to others often reflects how she or he feels about their sexual orientation. The more positive responses the person receives to their news, the more comfortable they will feel with their identity, and the easier it will become for them to come out to others in the future. How you react to their disclosure of their sexual orientation or gender identity can help them out of the closet - or keep them in.

What LGBT individuals have been told about their sexual orientation . . . and what you should not say You're just going through a phase.

It's just because you've never had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
You can't be gay ... you've had relationships with people of the opposite sex.
You can't be a lesbian ... you're too pretty!
You're just depressed.
You're just confused.
Maybe you can find a therapist who can help you get over this.

Ways you can help when someone comes out to you:

Remember that the person has not changed. They are still the same person you knew before. You just have more information about them than you did before.
If you are shocked, don't let the shock lead you to view the person as suddenly different.
Don't ask questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before their disclosure.
If you would like more information, ask in an honest and respectful way. If you show a genuine and respectful interest in their life, they will most likely appreciate it.

Some good questions to ask are:

How long have you known you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender?
Are you seeing anyone special?
Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
Is there some way I can help you?
Have I ever offended you unknowingly?

Don't assume in advance that you know what it means for her or him to be LGBT. Every person's experience is different. They may not want you to necessarily do anything. They may just need someone to listen. Consider it an honor that they have trusted you with this very personal information. Thank them for trusting you. Clarify with them what level of confidentiality they expect from you. They may not want you tell anyone at all. They may be out to others and not be concerned with who finds out. If you don't understand something or have questions, remember that persons who are LGBT are often willing to help you understand their life experiences. If you find yourself reacting negatively, remember that your feelings may change. Try to leave the door open for future communication.

If you have questions or would like more information, you may wish to contact your local Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) chapter or visit the PFLAG website: http://community.pflag.org

What resources are available to me at UW-Madison for coming out?

There are many resources available to you at UW-Madison related to coming out and exploring sexual- and gender identity.

The LGBT Campus Center offers Peer Mentoring and Discussion Groups.

UHS offers individual counseling and Coming Out Support Groups to UW Students. Many of these services have been paid for by your UW student fees and tuition. Contact UHS Counseling services for more information.

Bibliography of sources used in the Q & A

The following sources were used for the Coming out Q & A

Eliason, MJ, "The prevalence and nature of biphobia in heterosexual undergraduate students". Archives of Sexual Behavior 26 (3): 317-26.

Herdt, Gilbert. Gay Culture in Ameroca: Essays from the field Boston: Beacon, 1992.

Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays, "Coming Out to Your Parents."

Rhoads, Robert A. Coming Out in College Westport: Bergin & Garvey, 1994.

The National Gay & Lesbian Task Force, "About Coming Out."

Wall, Vernon A and Nancy J. Evans, eds. Toward Acceptance: Sexual Orientation Issues on Campus Lanham: University Press, 2000.

Windmeyer, Shane L. ed. The Advocate Collegge Guide for LGBT Students New York: Alyson, 2006.

Wall, Vernon and Jamie Washington. "Coming Out," 1989.